Just One More Suicide in Montana.

Of My Premature Discharge from The Montana State Hospital on February 16, 2017; and of suicide in the state of Montana.

I will die before any of you read this. 

Yet again, 2016-17, the state of Montana has the highest suicide rate in the United States. 

I obviously am in the right place to die.

Patrick Paolo Pickens. February 26, 2017.

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BECAUSE I AM MENTALLY ILL:

They would imply that I am a fraud because I care as much about others as I do myself . 

That it is not mental and emotional anguish that leads me to ask for their help, but rather...

Some nature of selfishness that puts them at risk of being exposed for who they are.  

That... as one mental health evaluator named Brooks put it the other day: 

"It is very hard to tell if you being more a patient advocate, or a patient."

As though that matters. Speaking out as and when I do about the abuses of persons affected as I am by serious mental illness. While having the gall to suffer as well from mental illness.

They hate that. How dare I.

BECAUSE I AM MENTALLY ILL:

They would see my history as anything other then that of a human history, and portray my sense of ethos and performance as deceptive. 

Because they have no ethos in their own right, and are incapable of beauty in the name humankind.  

BECAUSE I AM MENTALLY ILL:

They would paint  my character as anything other then that of a man who can see well enough to weed out abject ineptitude and depraved human nature when it bowls me over in alleyways hidden to the greater public... 

Because I do so, strive to do this as any situation may demand, and ask nothing more then repeat not for these efforts, but because I am in need.

To cover their asses, they would declare
that any of my sincere attempts to die by own hand are not fact.

As though  I never wanted to die.

YES I AM ETHICAL.  

YES I AM ALCOHOLIC. 

SO THE FUCK WHAT? 

DOES THIS MEAN THAT I AM NOT ALSO AFFECTED BY MENTAL ILLNESS? 

ARE YOU THIS MIRED IN THE HISTORY OF BRUTAL DISCRIMINATION AGAINST THE MENTALLY ILL? 

BECAUSE I AM MENTALLY ILL:

I am faced with all of the above. My given illness is sharp as a razor, and my desire to die as keen as a new born sun.  But those who I have turned to in recent days into weeks into months have virtually laughed at me, have sought to turn me away. "Back into the community" is the catch phrase they use, "Fit and safe for discharge and outpatient treatment" is the parlance they rely upon. In their paperwork. On there various forms. 

Not hearing me when I state in no uncertain terms "I should be dead by now, this is plain fact, and I wish I was."

I have tried to pull out of it all. For the good, for what I call "the living side of this forsaken game." I see a calling for me or someone like me to make these issues public. To put these people on the proverbial chopping block. Because someone has to, and nobody else will.

They have done this, and will strive to continue doing so, because it is in there nature. Skin of reptile, Machiavellian afterbirth. 

You know who you are: 

-Dr. Richard Holt. 

-Doctor of Nursing Carlie Hillenbrand.

-Program manager Jeff Pfluge. 

-Patients' lawyer Craig Fitch. 

-Patient grievance committee chairperson -Kathleen Duganz. 

-Unit manager Mark Proxell. 

-MT State Hospital CEO Jay Pottenger.

-MT Director of Addictive and Mental Disorders Division Zoe Barnard. 

And on this list can go.

Each one of these individuals, and many more who work as entrusted members if the montana health care system, know damn well:

That I am still suicidal and have been for months. That I am still at high risk of harm to self and have been for months. That I have twice been prematurely discharged from the Montana State Hospital, most recently on February 16, 2017, after only twenty days of in-patient treatment and in graphic defiance of my stating my intent to kill myself. 

And that the only reason I am not dead today is because I have been willing to trust you. All of you.

BECAUSE I AM MENTALLY ILL:

Each of you have worked together in deciding to characterize me as a person not legitimately at risk of suicide. In order to preserve status quo, you have all done this. Opting even if somewhat logically to risk erring on the side of risk/death over erring of the side of safety. 

And each one of you knows that you simply don't want me in your fucking hospital because I know how to names names. Your names. It has nothing at all do with my wellbeing. Nothing. At all. 

And you all know it. 

Yes, I have tried to pull out of it. My ongoing, current struggle with suicidal ideation. I have remained sober. I have sat on my hands.  So much that this struggle is no longer a struggle, but a need. No person should have to live with what I have tried to live with. Including the presence of these particular monsters in my "life". It is no way to live. 

I will die before any of you read this. 

Yet again, 2016-17, the state of Montana has the highest suicide rate in the United States. 

I obviously am in the right place to die.

Patrick Paolo Pickens. February 26, 2017.

I will die in large part because of you. 

But I am human. 

Your names are known, and you won't get away with it. 

paoloreed@gmail.com